Decades ago, my wife and I were friends with a couple who lived in the same community. We played cards together and visited each other's homes. Our children grew up together. In an off-hand comment at a card party, his wife mentioned they fell asleep in each other's arms every night. I was envious of their closeness until one afternoon; she showed up at our house with a black eye.

She talked to my wife and I went over to talk to my friend. He was apologetic and frustrated with himself. I gave many of the same reasons as you as to why violence wasn't the solution.

She went home and the marriage didn't last much longer. I moved to another city and mostly lost touch. He spent the rest of his life trying to get his wife back, only giving up when she remarried.

I saw him a few times when we were in each other's cities. He passed away a few years ago which I only recently became aware of.

I have no understanding of what causes a man to become abusive (or racist). Thanks for writing this.